So, since I've decided to go make some major changes in my life (which I will share here later on), I decided to get back to writing here too. I am finally sharing my badly written thoughts some time in 2016, when I had a nightmare about my death.

It was actually a very peaceful dream so I cannot fully call it a nightmare. The sad part of it was in my dream, I dreamed of knowing that I am dying soon. I had to prepare gifts and letters to all my loved ones in such a short amount of time. I don't remember all the details of the dream but I remember hurting knowing how much pain I will leave them with when I'm gone.

Surprisingly, when I woke up, I remembered all the repressed memories and feelings of my childhood trauma. All the hate, resentment and shame. It was not an easy battle. Thank God that I am here, still kicking in His grace. Thank God for my family and friends who were there to support me. 

So.... forgive me if I share this rather badly written poem. lol... I don't want to change anything about it.

If I die tomorrow I will be glad
For I know that not by my works but by His grace,
Not by my actions but by His love
I have been saved, my life in His hands.

When I meet the Father in that tomorrow,
I’ll finally be able to live all this love I’ve stored and honed for decades
Because I know that no good deeds will ever be the same
As singing, dancing and praising when I’m finally with Him in heaven.

If I die tomorrow I will be eternally happy
For the riches I was promised will finally be within reach.
But I will always feel sorry for the pain it may cause
To those whom in this world truly cared and grieved for my loss.

To my parents who loved me more than anyone else on this foreign land
To my sisters, my best friends, who understood my weirdness and accepted it with open arms
To my friends and students who made life on earth a happier one
To my siblings and children, not by blood but in Christ, ones He’s used as a preview of the goodness in His side.

For that one special love God used to make me anticipate
How much more joy, how much more peace, how much more of everything it’ll be
To finally be able to be with Someone who has loved me for eternity.

So when I die tomorrow, I want that day celebrated not mourned.
It should be full of joyful stories and shared memories,
A celebration of life filled with laughter and music.
My final days shall be filled with beauty and colors and light
For when I die tomorrow, I will start the life gifted by the grace of God.

- Faye C. (written in 2016, after I dreamt of my death: the first day of my PTSD breakdown)