First, let me just get it straight. I’m not depressed. I know what depression feels like since I’ve fought it for a long time. This is not depression talking, just some realities in my life.

I have been blessed with a family with a good reputation, a job in an esteemed organization, a house I can call my own— a comfortable life. You might think I should just be enjoying life, working hard and enjoying it even harder.

The thing is when I look at everything—all of it—it seems superficial. Meaningless. Great things with a rotten core. Good things vulnerable to rust and destruction.

The thing is, when people from the outside think you are strong, they don’t really think hard about how you feel or how you think, or what you are really experiencing beneath the surface. They don’t know that the main reason you left home were the unending, restless days spent fearing harassment from someone you lived with. They didn’t know that behind the glamorous job was your health slowly deteriorating. They didn’t know that behind the nice house were unending lists of loans and bills that needed to be paid. They didn’t know that behind this comfortable life were temptations you’ve been running away from and sins you were fighting hard not to commit.

Sadly, when people in your inner circle think you’re strong, they readily speak their minds without compunction of your current state of mind or emotion. When you speak out, they think you were being 'irritable' no matter how much you try to modulate it, but when you don’t speak out, they think it’s your fault for not voicing your thoughts.

This is such a beautiful world. God’s creations still leave me in awe every time I immerse myself on it. I still want to sing to Him, and serve Him through the gift of teaching He’s given me. But this world is also too much. Too much hurt. Too much anger. Too many temptations and sins. Too much chaos. These material things are not worth it. These joys are fleeting. At the end of the day, it’s all meaningless.

If God would be so gracious as to take me now, hopefully in a manner that doesn't cause 'inconvenience' to others, I would gladly accept it. This life, here on earth, is meaningless. It only pulls me away from Him. I would rather just end all here and join my Father in heaven, where there is only peace.
 

Ecclesiastes 1: 1-11 (NLT)

1 These are the words of the Teacher,[a] King David’s son, who ruled in Jerusalem.

2 “Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!”

3 What do people get for all their hard work under the sun? 4 Generations come and generations go, but the earth never changes. 5 The sun rises and the sun sets, then hurries around to rise again. 6 The wind blows south, and then turns ... Read more »