The past year has been a rollercoaster ride. I enjoyed the smooth, straight paths. I felt the rush and nausea brought by being high. There were many times I thought I would fall— but then there were times when I was the one who wanted to let go. I thought I wouldn’t be able to finish this birthday post. I tried several times but it always felt wrong. After two months, I finally broke free of my funk.

The past twelve months were tough. Looking back, I now know I couldn’t have been able to survive it if I didn’t have God and the people He used as instruments that kept me from breaking apart. Now let me tell you about my rollercoaster ride and what I learned from them.

Around my birthday last year, I met my childhood love again. I was happy because ‘what are the odds’, right? However, in meeting him again, I met challenges. He had someone. Albeit I didn’t really know about it in the beginning, the outcome was still the same. Many people were hurt in the process. It was a little late when I saw what God wanted me to see. You see, after the disaster and the fear brought by my last relationship, I prayed to God. I prayed that if it is His will for me to be with someone, He would send me a man I can serve Him with. Otherwise, I’d rather be on my own. Now I know that in the joy of seeing the boy I once loved, I became impatient. In turn, I lost tracked of God’s plan for me. And though I would always treasure our memories and our friendship… that is all it will ever be. My impatience caused broken hearts and broken trust.

When I started teaching, I always prayed for God to use me as an instrument in changing the lives of my students. I wanted to make a difference in their lives. As much as I wanted to pay forward all the good things that happened to me, I also wanted to help them in ways that no one was able to help me before. What a big prayer indeed! It was so big that when God gave me His answer, I felt like I was struck by a wrecking ball. These kids He sent me? They are wounded. Some of them had scars so deep I didn’t know how to keep up. Financial problems. Abandonment. Neglect. Bullying. Sexual abuse. Name it. For a long time I tried to help them. I listened to them and comforted them. To be honest, I got so exhausted emotionally. Still, two of them turned from me. They broke away, listening to the words of the world and it hurts to realize I couldn’t do anything about it no matter what I do. I learned that we could only do so much in helping other people. In the end, it will still be their choice if they would break the bonds that chain them to whatever struggle they are experiencing.

Unfortunately, a drawback was that their nightmares woke my own. Faint echoes of my dark past slowly crept back. I know Christ has freed me. He freed me from that moment in April 26, 1996 when I tried to end my nightmare by getting the sharpest scissor from my mother’s vanity drawer and finding a Bible instead. Thinking back, I remember that it was the last time I cried so hard I was heaving because I felt like there was no hope for someone like me. Then suddenly, He spoke to me through His words and I found His love. I asked Him to forgive me and take away my pain. Since then, I don’t remember much of the nightmare… until around October of last year. I prayed so hard for the kids I was helping. My big mistake was I forgot to pray for me.

Another challenge came about. You see, between my sisters and me, I have always been the most vocal one in my anger. But I was also the one who forgives and forgets very easily once I’ve let it out. Then I realized that because I forgive very easily, they don’t take me seriously anymore. Since then, I tried my best to control my anger silently. Probably let them figure things out without nagging? Around the same time as my issues with my kids at school came up, I also had a fight with my sisters when they implied that I am changing and getting a bit greedy when it comes to sharing my money. I was so hurt because I knew I was not. I was just trying to save money for the house I was trying to buy. It all started when my older sister told me she needs more money to pay for our transportation for our impending family tour in Sagada. I told everyone that I’ve paid my part for the deposit of our lodge and it was their turn to pay for the rest to have equal contribution. I said it light-heartedly. The problem this time was I stayed quiet for a long time that when I spoke up, they thought I was being conceited. For the first time, it took a very long time for me to forgive them. I distanced myself from my sisters. To make matters worse, I felt like they didn’t care either way. They just went on and went out without me. I felt left out. For the first time in a long time, I felt alone.

We also had problems in the ministry. Discord was widespread. Multitudes of lies were brought to light. The leaders found it hard to forgive each other. Those who were guilty refused to show humility. The young people I was leading were having problems too. It was really hard. The one sanctuary I have on earth was falling apart too.

By the end of last year, I was too depressed. I have my kids at school and at church but I was sad all the time. I felt like crying too. I just wanted to be left alone. And since I was alone and sad, I gave in easier to other temptations. I refused to serve in front of church because I was guilty. With the emotions I had, I know I’m not worthy. I couldn’t sing. I couldn’t write. I tried so hard to keep on smiling but I could not. I went to Sagada with my family, amazed by everything we saw and did but I was not truly happy. I went to Singapore for a vacation and for the first time in my life, I felt like I don’t want to go back home.

To make the matters worse, when the new administration came at work and chose me as one of the leaders of the change they wanted to implement, one of my most trusted friends seemed to question my loyalty and my integrity. I’ve never been a fun of politics. And my hard experience during high school thought me that limelight is not worth any pain and suffering. I do as I’m told because I see nothing wrong with it. I am serving the students and the school like I should. I am not guilty of choosing the new management over our dearly departed Dr. D but the thought that my friend thought otherwise? It hurt so much. I looked up to him. I used to ask him about some big decisions and I used to tell him my hang-ups at work. Knowing he was fast to think ill of me? I felt betrayed once again. 

Last year, I remember dreaming of my death. I woke up so tired and with a certain urgency. I prepared a letter and marked my personal belongings to which person they will go to after I’m gone. All of these events (and probably some other small things too), made me realize that my dream wasn’t about physical death. God was warning me of the death of my joy. I became so engrossed with life, so obsessed with helping others and finding happiness that I failed to take care of my relationship with Him. I was weak.

Now, singing Jeremy Camp’s “Christ In Me” I found my way back just like Paul in 1 Timothy 1: 14-16.

There’s no need to feel helpless and depressed. I may not always be successful in helping all of my kids but those that I was able to help make a difference. Be the first to forgive even if the other parties are not sorry. We forgive because God continuously forgives us of our sins. Because keeping hate and pain in? It’s not worth it. As such, Jesus is our Savior but He is also our friend who won’t leave us nor forsake us. He died for us even when we are sinners. 

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 says:
“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love.”
We also have to remember that:
“Even if the world hates me, I have to keep in mind that it hated Him [Jesus] first.” (John 15:18)

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in Him.” (1 John 4:16)

So no matter what, in this last year before I enter my third decade in this world: I will continue to live. I will continue to love. I will continue my faith.

P.S.: Promise my next posts will be much happier.