The past year has been a rollercoaster ride. I enjoyed the smooth, straight paths. I felt the rush and nausea brought by being high. There were many times I thought I would fall— but then there were times when I was the one who wanted to let go. I thought I wouldn’t be able to finish this birthday post. I tried several times but it always felt wrong. After two months, I finally broke free of my funk.

The past twelve months were tough. Looking back, I now know I couldn’t have been able to survive it if I didn’t have God and the people He used as instruments that kept me from breaking apart. Now let me tell you about my rollercoaster ride and what I learned from them.

Around my birthday last year, I met my childhood love again. I was happy because ‘what are the odds’, right? However, in meeting him again, I met challenges. He had someone. Albeit I didn’t really know about it in the beginning, the outcome was still the same. Many people were hurt in the process. It was a little late when I saw what God wanted me to see. You see, after the disaster and the fear brought by my last relationship, I prayed to God. I prayed that if it is His will for me to be with someone, He would send me a man I can serve Him with. Otherwise, I’d rather be on my own. Now I know that in the joy of seeing the boy I once loved, I became impatient. In turn, I lost tracked of God’s plan for me. And though I would always treasure our memories and our friendship… that is all it will ever be. My impatience caused broken hearts and broken trust.

When I started teaching, I always prayed for God to use me as an instrument in changing the lives of my students. I wanted to make a difference in their lives. As much as I wanted to pay forward all the good things that happened to me, I also wanted to help them in ways that no one was able to help me before. What a big prayer indeed! It was so big that when God gave me His answer, I felt like I was struck by a wrecking ball. These kids He sent me? They are wounded. Some of them had scars so deep I didn’t know how to keep up. Financial problems. Abandonment. Neglect. Bullying. Sexual abuse. Name it. For a long time I tried to help them. I listened to them and comforted them. To be honest, I got so exhausted emotionally. Still, two of them turned from me. They broke away, listening to the words of the world and it hurts to realize I couldn’t do anything about it no matter what I do. I learned that we could only do so much in helping other people. In the end, it will still be their choice if they would break the bonds that chain them to whatever struggle they are experiencing.

Unfortunately, a drawback was that their nightmares woke my own. Faint echoes of my dark past slowly crept back. I know Christ has freed me. He freed me from that moment in April 26, 1996 when I tried to end my nightmare by getting the sharpest scissor fro ... Read more »