Oftentimes, people ask me what I think. Most of the time, I can easily form thoughts and translate them into words. I can easily express myself seeing as I am a very opinionated person. However, this moment is very different from the others I’ve ever experienced before.

As a person who always value joy and peace among other Fruits of the Spirit, I was completely blindsided by something that happened months ago. For the first time, I caused someone (indirectly as it might have been) so much hurt and (let’s face the facts) anger.  I knew it. But the sad thing is I knew of it too late. I apologized as I prayed for directions. I waited in a way I’ve never had before. To quote Miss Clara from the movie War Room:

“You’ve got to plead with God so that He can do what only He can do. And then you’ve got to get out of the way and let Him do it.”

I am still waiting on Him to show me… to tell me what to do. Because I know that His plans for me are better than anything I could ever dream or think of. 

On the other hand, in the quiet, I couldn’t help but think. Think of the years that passed, the people I met and the experiences I’ve had. I’d lost friendships because of intrigue. I’d lost beloved family members. I’d lost opportunities that could never be taken back. Loss is something I am deeply acquainted with. And knowing that…. somewhere out there, a very special person feels lost partly because of me, will always be a stain on my heart. No matter how much this person says that everything is fine, I know it isn’t. I know… because once upon a time, I was that person.

Now when that person feels the need to express the hurt no matter how shaded the method is, I try to understand… try to put myself in that person’s shoes. Furthermore, on the back of my mind, I feel some kind of awe… because I also knew that if I am on the same situation, I won’t be as forgiving or as kind. I just hope that that person knows what a treasure it is to have that kind of personality and use it to choose happiness instead of dwelling with the feelings of loss and hurt.

I only ever knew two ways to handle these feelings: to face it head on or to run. Many times, I feel the urge to run… have done as much in the past. Almost did it this time. But again, I decided to wait. There is a time for everything and I am confident that God will make everything beautiful in its time. I have so much in my heart to give…. Have had more than two decades of it stored inside of me. But in the midst of everything, I will always put my First Love first. The one I love above all else. As one of my favorite songs from Newsboys says,

“I’m second to One. He’s second to none.”

So in seeking His will in my life, I will wait for the one He will send to me. One who will love Him, as much as I do— hopefully even more. One who will love my family, both of those in flesh and in Spirit. One who will understand and appreciate my weirdness and dry humor. One who understands that having a strong woman is not a disadvantage but a gain. To put it simply, it’s all or nothing. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Life is too short. It’s such a precious gift we have to treasure and use wisely. And if God decides that I am not meant for that? If He decides that I am better off just the way it is? Then I will gladly accept it as I already had in the past. Lauren Daigle’s song describes it very clearly for me:

“When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing you to move,
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through,
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You,
I will trust. I will trust in You.”