First, let me just get it straight. I’m not depressed. I know what depression feels like since I’ve fought it for a long time. This is not depression talking, just some realities in my life.

I have been blessed with a family with a good reputation, a job in an esteemed organization, a house I can call my own— a comfortable life. You might think I should just be enjoying life, working hard and enjoying it even harder.

The thing is when I look at everything—all of it—it seems superficial. Meaningless. Great things with a rotten core. Good things vulnerable to rust and destruction.

The thing is, when people from the outside think you are strong, they don’t really think hard about how you feel or how you think, or what you are really experiencing beneath the surface. They don’t know that the main reason you left home were the unending, restless days spent fearing harassment from someone you lived with. They didn’t know that behind the glamorous job was your health slowly deteriorating. They didn’t know that behind the nice house were unending lists of loans and bills that needed to be paid. They didn’t know that behind this comfortable life were temptations you’ve been running away from and sins you were fighting hard not to commit.

Sadly, when people in your inner circle think you’re strong, they readily speak their minds without compunction of your current state of mind or emotion. When you speak out, they think you were being 'irritable' no matter how much you try to modulate it, but when you don’t speak out, they think it’s your fault for not voicing your thoughts.

This is such a beautiful world. God’s creations still leave me in awe every time I immerse myself on it. I still want to sing to Him, and serve Him through the gift of teaching He’s given me. But this world is also too much. Too much hurt. Too much anger. Too many temptations and sins. Too much chaos. These material things are not worth it. These joys are fleeting. At the end of the day, it’s all meaningless.

If God would be so gracious as to take me now, hopefully in a manner that doesn't cause 'inconvenience' to others, I would gladly accept it. This life, here on earth, is meaningless. It only pulls me away from Him. I would rather just end all here and join my Father in heaven, where there is only peace.
 

Ecclesiastes 1: 1-11 (NLT)

1 These are the words of the Teacher,[a] King David’s son, who ruled in Jerusalem.

2 “Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!”

3 What do people get for all their hard work under the sun? 4 Generations come and generations go, but the earth never changes. 5 The sun rises and the sun sets, then hurries around to rise again. 6 The wind blows south, and then turns ... Read more »

Issues about loneliness, anxiety and depression are very common these days. In fact, it is something I am personally familiar with. Looking back, being so sad all the time, crying for no apparent reason, feeling lonely but wanting to be alone at the same time are just the tip of the iceberg. This is why I've finally decided to share my journey to everyone. Hopefully, somewhere out there, someone's life may be touched, in Jesus' name.

Backseat DJs: What is Controlling your Joy?
James 1:2-4
by Pastor Steven Furtick

This is one of the most powerful messages that helped me understand my struggle with sadness. I suggest to everyone to watch the sermon first and review with my notes (and add yours too!) afterwards.

A. The Distinction of Joy
We don't always go through the same thing but we all go through something.
Know the difference between temptation and trial.
Temptation
- from the devil
- RESIST!!!

Trial
- may be from the devil
- can be a result of our own doing
- ACCEPT!!!

Sometimes we accept what we should resist and resist what we should accept!
Go straight to God for wisdom to know which is which.
Know the difference between Joy and Pleasure/Happiness
- In James, it said 'pure joy' so it means there is another type of it.
- Remember that Pleasure/Happiness can be associated with Joy but Real Joy is not dependent on pleasure.
In real joy, quality is more important than quantity.

B. The Direction of Joy
Nowadays, there is pressure to feel pleasure that makes us feel more miserable.
ex. Social media shows things that become our standard for being happy.

Hebrews 12:2 says we should 'fix our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith'
- Remember that He endured the cross for the joy SET BEFORE him.

Joy is a point of view
- it is not the absence of sadness
- ... Read more »

Yesterday, I've read one of the minibooklets we bought at the GCF Bible Conference. It talked about the story of Leah and Abigail.

When I was a kid, I remember thinking that Jacob's love for Rachel was so great. He was willing to work for her hand in marriage for seven years. And even after he was tricked into marrying her older sister Leah, he was willing to work another seven years for her. And even when she was having a hard time giving him children, he loved her still. I remember wanting to find my own Jacob when I grow up.

However, this is the only time I ever really paid attention to the story of Leah. Then, I realized that most of the time... sadness, impatience and discontentment are in our lives because we are looking at the wrong things.

For the longest time all she ever wanted was to be loved by Jacob but he was so in love with her sister Rachel. For the first three sons she kept hoping that he will finally love her.

She named their first son Reuben because she thinks God has seen her misery and she will finally be loved. Then she named the second Simeon, because the Lord has heard she was not loved so she was given another son. When her wishes did not come true, she named the third Levi. She thought that her husband will finally be attached to her for giving him three sons. She hoped each time, but she was still not loved by him like she wanted to be (Genesis 29:32-35).

On the fourth son, however, she decided to praise God instead. That's why she called him Judah (meaning "praising"). Leah could not change Jacob but she could change herself and steer her focus to find what can make her happy.

"Contentment will never come as long as we cling to the ideal and lose sight of the good gifts of God we have already received. "
And just like Leah, it doesn't end there. Every day we fight battles. Yes, we change focus but sometimes things remind us of what we want and what we don't have. Just like when Rachel's maidservant gave her two sons. Leah had to keep going and keep fighting.

When her fifth son was born she named him Issachar, meaning "reward" because she thinks him a reward from God. Her sixth son was named Zebulun, meaning "honor". By this time, she realized that expecting too much only leads to disappointments and heartaches so her only expectation was that her husband will treat her with honor because of their six sons. She was more realistic now and has accepted what may or may not happen (in her case, be loved by Jacob).

May God help us see the beauty and joy that we sometimes take for granted.

"We can focus on what we lack and be miserable or we can decide to focus on what we have and make up our minds to praise the Lord."