All people experience different seasons in life. Each is designed to teach us lessons that will eventually shape who we are. And even if we don’t have control to some of these events, we can always choose how we will let it affect us in the long run.

2016 was a particularly hard year. Due to helping some students who experienced sexual abuse, some of my repressed childhood traumatic memories came back. And my usual happy days slowly turned into teary nights no matter what I tried. Now, when people hear about my so called “great depression,” they also always hear next about the place that led me to my healing.

My visit to South Korea in 2017 started by meeting two angels, a young firefighter-doctor couple, in Busan who helped my friend and I find our accommodation. It was my first contact with Koreans, and I would never forget how they literally turned from their usual downtime night jog, after a tiring shift, just to walk us to our building. It was a promising start, and though some may say that not all Koreans are the same, I’ve never met one who was impolite and unaccommodating to a traveler like me.

I remember walking by Haeundae Beach, fine sands on my feet, and my college friend busy gushing over the “I Love my Bros” air balloon currently hovering. I remember the rain that fell while we were roaming around the colorful Gamcheon Culture Village, while watching the waves kiss the rocks along the shoreline of Haedong Yonggungsa Temple, and while immersing myself with the history and nature of Songdo Skywalk. I remember thinking that I didn’t care if my clothes and bags were getting wet, because all it felt like was that the rain was washing away my tears and pain.

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So, since I've decided to go make some major changes in my life (which I will share here later on), I decided to get back to writing here too. I am finally sharing my badly written thoughts some time in 2016, when I had a nightmare about my death.

It was actually a very peaceful dream so I cannot fully call it a nightmare. The sad part of it was in my dream, I dreamed of knowing that I am dying soon. I had to prepare gifts and letters to all my loved ones in such a short amount of time. I don't remember all the details of the dream but I remember hurting knowing how much pain I will leave them with when I'm gone.

Surprisingly, when I woke up, I remembered all the repressed memories and feelings of my childhood trauma. All the hate, resentment and shame. It was not an easy battle. Thank God that I am here, still kicking in His grace. Thank God for my family and friends who were there to support me. 

So.... forgive me if I share this rather badly written poem. lol... I don't want to change anything about it.

If I die tomorrow I will be glad
For I know that not by my works but by His grace,
Not by my actions but by His love
I have been saved, my life in His hands.

When I meet the Father in that tomorrow,
I’ll finally be able to live all this love I’ve stored and honed for decades
Because I know that no good deeds will ever be the same
As singing, dancing and praising when I’m finally with Him in heaven.

If I die tomorrow I will be eternally happy
For the riches I was promised will finally be within reach.
But I will always feel sorry for the pain it may cause
To those whom in this world truly cared and grieved for my loss.

To my parents who loved me more than anyone else on this foreign land
To my sisters, my best friends, who understood my weirdness and accepted it with open arms
To my friends and students who made life on earth a happier one
To my siblings and children, not by blood but in Christ, ones He’s used as a preview of the goodness in His side.

For that one special love God used to make me anticipate
How much more joy, how much more peace, how much more of everything it’ll be
To finally be able to be with Someone who has loved me for eternity.

So when I die tomorrow, I want that day celebrated not mourned.
It should be full of joyful stories and shared memories,
A celebration of life filled with laughter and music.
My final days shall be filled with beauty and colors and light
For when I die tomorrow, I will start the life gifted by the grace of God.

- Faye C. (written in 2016, after I dreamt of my death: the first day of my PTSD breakdown)

In every season of life we go through, we are meant to learn a lesson. It either strengthens us or weakens us. It either makes us more grateful or more bitter. It makes us kinder or more arrogant. It makes us love more or close off ourself from others.

In the end, it's all a matter of choice.

I miss the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, and the way it shines when you find something that amuses your mind.

I miss the tone of your voice when you talk, even your sarcasm and opinions that never seem to thaw.

I miss the way you listen to me as if all I had to say is interesting.

I miss those simple gestures that remind me you always care.

I miss our late night talks about anything and everything.

I miss your honesty and how indignant you get when others don't act as they should.

I miss you so much it hurts.

I miss you.

Yes, I miss you.

I miss feeling the wind as it tries to surround me ---

to carry me to the unknown....

I miss looking at the sea wondering what was beyond it---

or when i'll be able to reach that far end.

I miss the rain as it soaks my body ---

the sweet taste of it against my lips,

the healing it pours on my eyes,

the cleansing it gives my soul.

- Faye C.