Oftentimes, people ask me what I think. Most of the time, I can easily form thoughts and translate them into words. I can easily express myself seeing as I am a very opinionated person. However, this moment is very different from the others I’ve ever experienced before.

As a person who always value joy and peace among other Fruits of the Spirit, I was completely blindsided by something that happened months ago. For the first time, I caused someone (indirectly as it might have been) so much hurt and (let’s face the facts) anger.  I knew it. But the sad thing is I knew of it too late. I apologized as I prayed for directions. I waited in a way I’ve never had before. To quote Miss Clara from the movie War Room:

“You’ve got to plead with God so that He can do what only He can do. And then you’ve got to get out of the way and let Him do it.”

I am still waiting on Him to show me… to tell me what to do. Because I know that His plans for me are better than anything I could ever dream or think of. 

On the other hand, in the quiet, I couldn’t help but think. Think of the years that passed, the people I met and the experiences I’ve had. I’d lost friendships because of intrigue. I’d lost beloved family members. I’d lost opportunities that could never be taken back. Loss is something I am deeply acquainted with. And knowing that…. somewhere out there, a very special person feels lost partly because of me, will always be a stain on my heart. No matter how much this person says that everything is fine, I know it isn’t. I know… because once upon a time, I was that person.

Now when that person feels the need to express the hurt no matter how shaded the method is, I try to understand… try to put myself in that person’s shoes. Furthermore, on the back of my mind, I feel some kind of awe… because I also knew that if I am on the same situation, I won’t be as forgiving or as kind. I just hope that that person knows what a treasure it is to have that kind of personality and use it to choose happiness instead of dwelling with the feelings of loss and hurt.

I only ever knew two ways to handle these feelings: to face it head on or to run. Many times, I feel the urge to run… have done as much in the past. Almost did it this time. But again, I decided to wait. There is a time for everything and I am confident that God will make everything beautiful in its time. I have so much in my heart to give…. Have had more than two decades of it stored inside of me. But in the midst of everything, I will always put my First Love first. The one I love above all else. As one of my favorite songs from Newsboys says,

“I’m second to One. He’s second to none.”

So in seeking His w ... Read more »

For a very long time words have been my friend. When no one would listen, when all I wanted was to curl up in a tiny ball and give up, when I was so happy that my heart feels like exploding, when I was so angry or pained that I wanted to cry… it was words that made me fine.

I remember the first time I picked a pen and learned my prose. It was a liberating experience I couldn’t explain. Losing my first journal was very saddening. All those words I lost and could never take back. Finding this blog to write everything I wanted was like finding a home of my own. And during that time when words left me for a while, I was so scared it wouldn’t come back.

But now I feel like lamenting because my words are not just my own anymore. I feel restricted at some point and lost at another. How could one stay with her best friend and not talk about her day? If someone, who was so used to unload her feelings with words was suddenly left without it? How could she get through the worst times? When tears have gone empty and words have failed, what’s a girl like me to do?

Guess I need to find a new hobby… a new therapy.

Every year, by this time, I’m already getting ready for my birthday blog post. I’ve been going through all of my experiences… all my ups and downs the past year. What I did not expect was a message I received yesterday from a very close friend followed by a date earlier today and then going home tonight with my heart breaking.

After everything I’ve experienced in high school I can honestly say that I left that nightmare with only three closest friends. I’ve been with them through thick and thin. We survived every fight and we stood by each other no matter what. Now, I feel like things are falling apart and there’s nothing I can do about it. When everyone walked out on me… when all I ever did was cry, they were the only ones who cared… the only ones who stayed. And now when two of them needed me the most, I can’t do anything but listen. I can’t pick sides either.

I couldn’t stop thinking. My chest hurts. I have many questions. But the sad thing is I’m not sure if I even wanted to hear the answers.

Why do we cheat on those we promise to love and protect? How can we say we even love them when we do things that hurt them? How can we look at them in the eye and boldly deny things we knew we were guilty of? Why commit a mistake and apologize when you will only repeat it over and over? How can you throw years of love for something fleeting and shallow?

How long can we protect a person who won’t stop hurting himself by hurting the people who cares about him?

Why do we hurt the ones we love most? Why after all these, we still can’t stop loving that person?

I met my first love at fourth grade. Some say it’s just a childhood crush but it’s the longest I’ve felt anything that strong for anybody. I decided to finally get over him during my last year of college.

I’ve dated one person during high school. It lasted for just a month.

I had my first real boyfriend last 2014 but we broke it off after six months.

Many people would probably say that I had commitment issues… or that I had very high standards. But is it really about commitment issues? Having the same faith, respecting each others’ values— was it really so much to ask?

I saw this post at Facebook this morning. It’s from a book “Reflections of a Man” by Mr. Amari Soul.

"Guard your time...Once you’ve determined that he’s wrong for you, don’t give him anymore of your time. It’s your time that he sees as the key to getting past your defenses. The more time you give him...the greater his chances. Without your time, he can’t get inside your head. If he can’t get inside your head, he can never break your heart.

"Remember, if you're giving all your time to the wrong man, you don't have any time for the right one. Don't block your blessing."

I have not read the book but these words sum up my view in entertaining men.

As an independent woman who worked so hard to prove myself, I believe that it is not healthy to stay with someone who continuously sees your flaws without acknowledging your finer points except when they’re trying to get in your pants. It’s also hard to be with a guy who throws money at you expecting that you’ll submit to his every whim and desire. As romantic as it may sound for some people, it’s hard to be with a guy who wants your whole world to revolve around him alone.

I’m not stupid to think that it’ll all be sunshine and rainbows. God made every people with value. I don’t have high standards but I know what my worth is as a woman and as a person. So for those women like me who are still single and are not planning to change anything anytime soon despite our age:

STAY SINGLE UNTIL SOMEONE ACTUALLY COMPLIMENTS YOUR LIFE IN A WAY THAT IT MAKES IT BETTER TO NOT BE SINGLE. IF NOT, IT’S NOT WORTH IT.

-- Anon.

Before, in a class, we had a discussion about what we want to achieve in life. What I said then is still true today. I want to make a change. I want to touch lives. See my legacy through the success of those people whom I’ve thought, supported or helped.

Today, God blessed me with something unexpected. I feel humbled. It is really encouraging when your hard work is being recognized. I’ve received some awesome messages by the end of last semester. However, I never expected this commendation from the university. I want to thank my students from last school year for appreciating my efforts. But above all, I would like to see all of you live a successful, fruitful, joy-filled life. Seeing that will bring even more pride than this recognition I’ve received today… because it will be a living proof that some way, somehow, I’ve done something right as your teacher.

Thank you!