Letting go. It is one of hardest lessons anyone could ever learn. 

If you cared about something. If you've invested time and effort and emotions. If you spent every waking hours working so hard for it... wouldn't it be understandable how hard it is to give up such a thing for the unknown?

But what if it started to choke you? To hurt you? To make you struggle so hard to survive? When it unknowingly leeched the smile off your eyes? Will it be worth the ache? The tears? The misery?

This place. This condition. Easy as they may seem to others. It's been a place of melancholy. Of stress. Of Unhappiness. I've always been contented with what I had. Seldom did I ever wish for something more. But this state screamed at me to find something else. Something better. Something I won't always stress or worry about. Some place where I could be happy without repercussions. To live life not only with moments of joy but with complete unadulterated happiness.

So I suppose letting go was all that's left to do. God has given me His answer. Now all I need to do is to accept it and trust that His will tramps all others. For the first time in my entire existence, I'll let go of everything. Put it all in God's hands. No Plan Bs. Facing life in total abandon.

Time to stop being scared shitless.

This day, I'll take the first step.

Once, I met a man who I deeply respected. He was a friend of my superior and I was able to see how a good leader he was. I genuinely liked him even when I started to hear rumors against him.

Who am I to judge someone when he'd done nothing but be nice to me? When he smiled and laughed and joked and helped even when not asked?

Then I was given the chance to know him more. I was afraid of such new environment but he helped me go through it. He tried to comfort me with words of motivation--- and when I needed it most, he showed me he cared. I would never forget the words whispered to my ear when I was crying in worry for one of those people I love most. When the time came that we had to move on, I was very sad and disappointed. 

Something happened though. Some sick play of fate that made everything go spiraling down. Something that made him do things to protect his own. I could never fault him for that of course. I would also protect all of those I care about--- those who seek for my guidance. But what I never expected was the way he handled things. For all the trust I've given him... For all the fierceness I've shown others while defending him... He fed me to the bulls. Probably not directly... but using those people I learned to care about against me. It just made the hurt more potent. I tried time and time again to give him the benefit of doubt. I tried to remember all the good things I've seen in him. Until the time that I realized how he tried to avoid my gaze as much as possible. Until I stopped hearing his greetings whenever we see each other. Until he started to distance his self from me. Until those who look up to him started to treat me the same way.

Oh yes, I will definitely fight tooth and nail for those I love... but I will never betray anyone's trust.

I think it's only fair to say that pain is one emotion I’ll never get used to, no matter how many times I get to experience it. Especially from the hands of the one I trusted not to give it to me.

I thought I would learn to shun and hate him for all the things he'd done to me and the people I deeply care about-- then I thought, what a person like him, who's extremely inte ... Read more »

Is it the right time? How will I know for sure? As always, thinking about leaving my comfort zone feels frightening. It’s like going inside a tunnel without seeing any light across--- like jumping from a plane seeing nothing but the bluest ocean below.

It’s not easy to admit fear--- but wouldn't it be more pathetic to know you only stayed because of it? That you tried to bear it all until your comfort zone became a place of bitterness, of stress and of fury?

I've experienced this several times before… perhaps that’s the reason why I’m still standing tall. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel tired of enduring everything that’s thrown my way. I can handle any challenges directly thrown at me—against me. What’s worse? When the people you care about starts to turn on each other. And if you were forced to choose between friendship and duty. And when you have to wake up each day wondering who you can still trust.

Maybe this is the reason why I turned back to my books. Because in this world, any conflict will eventually be resolved as long as you turn to the next page. In this world, you’ll know who you are up against. You’ll know that one way or another, every ache has an end.

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I’ve always been a strong person.

I’ve been known as the only top student who hit a guy in the nuts at second grade and another guy in the head with a large chunk of firewood at fourth just because they hurt my best friend.

I’ve been known as a person who will dispute her answer on an exam or recitation when I know I am right.

However, strong as I may be, I had to learn that letting yourself care for someone, loving them, investing your time and effort with them, letting them in— will only make you vulnerable.

I learned it all in a harsh way. It was a nightmare… the dark age of my life. Being betrayed and sold off by a friend— almost a sister.

I’ve always been known as a strong person.

I was then known as the person who stood by what is right… by what is just. I’ve been known as the person who cried a lot but who never stopped fighting fair.

I’ve been known as a survivor.

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Every day when I go to work, I had to prepare myself. For as much as I am happy about being promoted… I’ve also never lost as much peace as I had now.

Each day is a day spent in the battlefield. You don’t need guns and bulletproof vests in here. Just pure courage. Pure goodness. You have to be just. You have to hold firm in your belief that everyone has something good in them. You have to accept that people around you have their own opinions. You have to keep your mouth shut and try to filter everything that you hear. You can only keep wondering why they bother to find ways to hate each other instead of trying to see the good to be able to live and work more peaceably.

I miss my life when it was still a little less complicated… when all I had to do was hear people hate each other, do my job and go home. I miss not being in between. I miss not having to look at people to find what’s hate-worthy of them.

Oh Lord, help me keep a heart that doesn’t judge;

A heart that seeks the good in others,

A heart that doesn’t keep record of faults,

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